Grow Up: Take Ownership of Civilian Life
"The very freedom you fought for is the very chaos you feel at home." This stark statement rings true for many veterans transitioning back to civilian life. After years of structure, clear directives, and a strong support system, the world outside the wire can feel overwhelming and unpredictable. The military provided a framework where many aspects of life were handled, from housing and meals to healthcare and even laundry. While essential for military operations, this structured environment can sometimes inadvertently delay the development of crucial life skills necessary for navigating the complexities of civilian life. As a veteran, it's time to "grow up" and take full ownership of your post-service journey.
This isn't about diminishing your service or suggesting veterans are immature. It's about recognizing the unique challenges of transitioning from a highly structured environment to one that demands a different kind of self-reliance. The military instilled invaluable qualities like discipline, resilience, and leadership. Now, it's time to apply those strengths to areas of personal responsibility that may have been on autopilot during your service.
Reclaiming Responsibility: Building Your Foundation
One of the biggest adjustments is taking charge of everyday tasks that were once handled for you. Suddenly, you're responsible for paying bills on time, managing a household, and navigating the often confusing world of civilian bureaucracy. These seemingly mundane tasks are the building blocks of a stable civilian life, and mastering them is crucial. Don't be afraid to ask for help or utilize resources available to veterans. Financial literacy courses, veteran-specific support groups, and community organizations can provide valuable guidance.
Relationships: Reconnecting and Rebuilding
The demands of military service can strain relationships with family and friends. Deployment, frequent moves, and the emotional toll of combat can create distance and misunderstandings. Rebuilding and maintaining these connections requires effort, communication, and a willingness to be vulnerable. It means actively listening, being present, and understanding that the dynamics of your relationships may have shifted. Don't expect things to automatically return to normal. Invest time and energy in nurturing these bonds.
Career: Finding Your Purpose
The transition to civilian employment can be daunting. Translating military skills into civilian-friendly language, navigating the job market, and adjusting to a different work culture can be challenging. Focus on identifying your transferable skills, networking with other veterans, and seeking out mentorship opportunities. Remember, your military experience has equipped you with valuable assets – leadership, teamwork, problem-solving – that are highly sought after by employers.
Following Orders: Now It's Your Own
In the military, following orders is paramount. In civilian life, you're the one giving the orders. This newfound autonomy can be liberating, but it also requires careful consideration and planning. You're now responsible for setting your own goals, making your own decisions, and charting your own course. This can be both exciting and overwhelming. Embrace the freedom, but use it wisely.
Pride: A Double-Edged Sword
Pride is a powerful motivator in an environment where taking human life, no matter the job, is the mission. This is crucial for protecting the freedoms we have at home. Holding onto Pride for the rest of your life will be a barrier to building happy, healthy relationships. This includes even within yourself. Pride can prevent you from seeking help when needed. Recognizing that asking for assistance is smart and essential. Don't let pride get in the way of your well-being or your ability to thrive in civilian life.
Family and Community: Your New Mission
There is no doubt service to the nation is invaluable. Now, try focusing your mission into serving your family through example. Being present, engaged, and supportive at home is a critical part of reintegrating into civilian life. Volunteering in your community, mentoring young people, or simply being a good neighbor can provide a sense of purpose and connection, as well. This will help you lead your family by example. Communication: Beyond the Battlefield
The military emphasizes communication, from clear orders to detailed After Action Reports (AARs). These practices are crucial for mission success. But how do we translate these skills to our families? Instead of viewing family discussions as tactical operations, we can adapt the AAR concept to foster understanding and growth. Imagine a "Family AAR," not as a critique session but as a collaborative discussion. Instead of focusing on what went wrong, the emphasis shifts to "How can I, as a leader in this family, better serve you?"
Leading Through Service: A Family-Focused Approach
Leadership isn't about barking orders but serving those you're responsible for. In a family context, this means understanding the needs of your spouse, children, or other family members. It's about actively listening, empathizing, and asking questions. "What are your challenges? How can I support you? What are your dreams?" These questions, asked genuinely and consistently, demonstrate a commitment to serving your family.
The Power of Imitation: Leading by Example
Humans are imitative creatures. We learn by observing and emulating those around us, especially those we respect. This is why the greatest leaders "walk the walk." They don't just preach; they live the values they espouse. As veterans, we understand the importance of leading by example. If we want our families to communicate openly and honestly, we must model that behavior ourselves. We must embody those qualities if we want them to be respectful and compassionate.
Family AAR in Practice:
Here's how a "Family AAR" might look:
Setting the Stage: Choose a calm, neutral time when everyone can participate without distractions. Explain that this isn't a complaint session, but a chance to connect and understand each other better.
Focus on the Positive: Start by acknowledging the positive aspects of family life. What's working well? What are you grateful for?
Open-Ended Questions: Ask open-ended questions like:
"How are you feeling about [recent event, school, work, etc.]?"
"What's one thing I could do to support you better?"
"What are your goals for the coming [week, month, year]?"
Active Listening: Truly listen to the responses without interrupting or becoming defensive. Try to understand their perspective, even if you don't agree with it.
Actionable Steps: Based on the discussion, identify specific, actionable steps you can take to better serve your family. These might be small things, like helping with chores, scheduling family time, or simply being more present.
Follow-Up: Don't let the Family AAR be a one-time event. Check-in regularly with your family members to see how things are going and make adjustments as needed.
Building a Legacy of Service at Home
By applying the principles of communication, service, and leading by example, we can build strong, resilient families. Our military experience has equipped us with the tools to be effective leaders, not just on the battlefield but in our homes and communities. It's time to use those tools to create a legacy of service, starting with the people we love most. Growing up after service means taking responsibility for our roles as family leaders, and that begins with open communication and a genuine desire to serve.
Growing up after service is a journey, not a destination. It requires patience, resilience, and a willingness to learn and adapt. Embrace the challenges, celebrate the victories, and remember that you are not alone. The veteran community is a powerful network of support, and there are countless resources available to help you navigate this transition. You have served your country; now, it's time to serve yourself and build the fulfilling civilian life you deserve.
If you would like to get a kickstart on this journey, release some stress, and refocus (or REFIT) your life into order and not chaos, Join us to participate in a Project Refit Healing Retreat. (<- click the link)
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